blog – Musings of an Evolving Goddess

Posted on 12-12-2112-12-21 by Miss Goddess

Reflections & Intentions

It is 09:28 AM and I am sitting on my bed naked, drinking honey-sweetened Green tea, and listening to “Bigger” by Jekalyn Carr after an intermittently sleepless night. I find myself in a limbo of sorts, a period riddled by scholastic burnout, indecisiveness, uncertainty, ego rearrangement, and soul deep orgasms. I’m surrounded with plant babies that are somewhat thriving, although begging to be transpotted because they’ve outgrown their initial homes. In the midst of being showered by my Ancestors with blessings, some I didn’t even have to ask for, I am also faced with trauma-based emotional frequent flyers, the relentless memories of multiple mediums of abuse that swing by to remind me of the inescapability of humanity. Not that this existence is a prison, but there were seasons spent within this meat sack that weren’t much less than war zones. On one hand, I am proud of myself, while on the other, I am indifferent. I keep asking myself, “where exactly THEE FUCK am I going?” Sure, I’ve got a plan- one that’s working so far at that- which is why these moments of questioning my journey always confuse me. It’s easy to remind myself that none of us know what the fuck we’re doing, but if honesty is to be the foundation of this platform, you can agree that that fact isn’t always comforting.

Being a late 20-something comes with the pressure of having all your shit together. Social media would have us trapped into the belief that if we don’t fulfill an itemized checklist of accomplishments by a certain age, we are incompetent. What this itemized checklist does not take into account, however, is the mental, emotional, spiritual, and familial trauma that manifest into physically debilitating obstacles- most of which we don’t even see coming. While I have been and continue to be a brilliant nurse, self-healing agent, and advocate for holistic wellness, if you’ve read anything I’ve written before today or follow me on social media, you are well aware that getting here has been a glorified shit show.

As the year comes to a close, I’m realizing that the self-induced stress that laces the previous paragraphs is a direct result of being nurtured in a capitalistic environnent. The pressure to lead a life that feeds a system that sees my body as a mere commodity for consumerism has gotten out of control, and I’m not here for it anymore. I’ve concluded that this stress shit ain’t for me. Now, I know that not all stress is bad, as there are circumstances in which heightened emotions serve as catalysts for manifesting greatness, but the shit we’ve been fed is a hard hell nah. I refuse to continue to subscribe to an existence that breeds patterns of lack, debasement, and harsh conditions. So before the year even ends, I’m making a proverbial 180° turn and reconnecting with my authentic Self. The Self that loves quiet mornings, the smell of dewy grass and post-rain foliage; the Self that squeals at the sight of flowers and relishes bird songs and the midnight choir; the self that melts in sweet whispers and hearty laughter. I’m returning to the Self that adores soft touches, hugs and kisses, success through Godfidence, and the fragrance of lovemaking. I’m returning to art, passion, deep, honest conversations, and intentional living. I’m returning to intimacy.

Tis the season of growth and expansion, fuck ups and beautiful lessons, great dick and uncomfortable, yet elevating exchanges, rebirths and erotic climaxes, cussing and releasing, hot chocolate and cute outfits, degrees and certifications, building and destruction, failures and reroutes, vulnerability and honesty, ass grabbing and gentle rubs, and many more experiences that ground me in humanity, while raising me in divinity. The cosmic balance in my life is being illuminated, and I’m grateful to be alive to feel it all. Sensuality encompasses all senses. As a Venusian, I’m well are of this, but childhood trauma and unresolved pain have a way of disconnecting us from our Star Player. Relearning to live in love, without biased projections is an arduous process, but I’m here to make it happen for myself by any means necessary.

Posted on 20-03-2014-12-21 by Miss Goddess

Know, Then Listen

“Learn to know yourself…to search realistically and regularly the processes of your own mind and feelings.” – Nelson Mandela

We can’t always accurately decipher whether those we give advice are holistically receptive or not, but in good intentions, “listen to yourself” may have left our lips several times. Usually this occurs in circumstances where we are unable to provide concise, specific, and/or detailed guidance. Let me assure that Eye am not, at all, condemning this line of council; Eye am solely highlighting that this isn’t the best course of action for those who have yet to learn their inner voice- Self- due to one or several blockages.

One of the primary blockages to learning Self is trauma. It has the power to not only silence our inner compass, but also foster within us the fear of taking the risk of stepping outside of its confines toward healing. When we are subjected to traumatic situations, our Limbic System (the emotional-visceral brain) takes a hit. The intimate relationship between our emotional and cognitive brains are a result of Limbic-Prefrontal lobe communications. In homeostasis, we are able to emotionally respond to things we cognitively innerstand, but when this harmony is disrupted by harsh circumstances, emotions override logic and leave us frantic and possibly plagued with psychosomatic illnesses. In such turmoil, endocrine organs release hormones that activate our protective autonomic responses and depending on the severity of said trauma to our Spirit, the degree of concentration of these hormones in our bloodstream can become our norm. It it then that our true Self has been submerged under our defence mechanisms and we operate on constant guard, aware of it or not.

Fear is a direct consequence of trauma and also blocks access to our inner compass. Our nervous system is consistently wired to the Gawdz and we lose our physiological definition of rest- even with a full night’s worth of sleep. All of our decisions are based on internal war tactics that rob us of enjoying experiences we normally would. We live in a mental and emotional bubble of “what-ifs” because we are still lost in the bottomless hormonal concoction our body has stirred for our safety. As time passes, we get older in body, but remain in child-like mental, emotional, and Spiritual dependency. Dependency on what? Literally anything that distracts us from the work required for healing. This work calls for conjure- a ruthless resurrection of all that brought us to a muted existence and replaced it by amplified internal torture and noise.

Needless to say, prior to listening to ourselves, we must ensure that we know ourselves; and to know ourselves, we must dig into the Soul ritualistically, intentionally, and without prejudice. We must acknowledge the chaos, accept it as part of our journey, and learn to quiet it through various forms of meditation. Unless we know ourselves, listening to our inner compass in the midst of Spiritual turmoil can direct us to making decisions that turn out detrimental to our path. Eye am not denying that even in our turmoil, we are “exactly where we are supposed to be,” but are we where it is BEST for us to be? Our alignment with our ordained purpose is a vital determining factor in whether listening to ourselves is ideal.

Know yourself, so you can be better equipped to listen to yourself.

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SN: If you are healing through and/or from trauma or working through fear, know that it is highly possible to grow from it all. You are capable and worthy of knowing yourself in the most intimate way, and this inner knowing will lead you to an existence of unwavering trust in yourself. That trust manifests Magick- the essence of your being. Stay patient with yourself. Stay loyal to your journey. Stay honest- tell the fuckin truth. Always. Hit me up if you need someone to talk to (all things will remain confidential). You are not alone.

Ase O!

Posted on 16-01-2015-11-23 by Miss Goddess

The Exercise of God

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”- Marianne Williamson

No sooner than when I started reading the Bible for myself did I realize the height of bullshit Christianity is. I progressively became aware and simultaneously uneasy at the level of unbelief and fearsome dis-ease that plagued the pews I sat in every Saturday. In some way, the Christian culture has found a miserable medium between leading members toward reaching their highest Spiritual potential and having them crawling at baseline powerlessness, both of which are dependent on how much one has allowed the devil to infiltrate his or her life. Such infiltration includes but is far from limited to being evidenced by anything that resembles power outside of Jesus, namely witchcraft.

In the initial months of me pulling away from the church and claiming Earth-based Spirituality and majick, rumours of my transition reached my former best friend and she reached out to me. I will admit that I didn’t have any expectations when the first thing she asked was regarding what cards I was using, however, I was heavily disappointed in her approach. Rather than seeking to innerstand the reasoning and motivation behind the shift, my inbox was graced with YouTube links for videos from a former satanist, warning about satanism. First of all, I DON’T CLAIM THAT NIGGA’S EXISTENCE! The religious and spiritual systems of my bloodline do not acknowledge the existence of a designated spiritual adversary. That’s another thing I could never, for the life of me, grasp about Christianity. Why does an entity who “walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour” get so much attention and credit? Why is it that when one does wrong, the responsibility for the wrongdoing goes to Satan- as if humans don’t have the power to choose. Where is the accountability? Within a religion that teaches that all things good are only possible through an external power, I suppose it is feasible to ascertain that the opposite should be true, right?

Although I can write all day about the contradictory themes in the Bible, I didn’t burn mine because of my realization of its usefulness in my Craft. One of my favourite texts is Proverbs 18:21: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” In African Traditional Relgions (ATRs) and their derivative spiritual systems, the most powerful tool is the Practitioner’s tongue. This is not to discredit thought, because that’s where speech is initiated, but the Word is prophecy. It is Creator and Creation. It is the culmination of all things God because it can be used to birth or destroy. I truly believe that this power is what is feared most. I know this to be factual because of my decade-long war with my Mom over what I can or cannot do.

Last semester, I was on a job search and my aunt helped me find employment in a Rehabilitation and Long-term Care facility. Though I was appreciative of the gesture, I quickly learned how dangerous this place was for me, as a novice nurse, due to the unsafe nurse-patient ratios and inconsiderate treatment of employees. I had no desire to be a part of something potentially detrimental to my career, especially so early in its commencement, so I left. My mother soon found out about this move and lectured me on how irresponsible I was being and refused to listen to my reasoning (she has no educational or experiential knowledge in nursing or the medical field). For the weeks following my departure from that job, she repeated spells of doubt over me, telling me that what I was looking for, better working conditions, doesn’t exist. This isn’t the first time she’s done this, so per custom, I blocked her out. For someone who believes in an all-powerful God, her unbelief, projected doubt, and refusal to assist my efforts by praying on my behalf were telling of her decided powerlessness. The oxymoronic dynamic between belief and action is frighteningly imperceptible in the average Christian. Not to mention, her blatant disrespect of my manifestation power was quite telling as well, then again, this isn’t our first time in this kind of conflict. It is documented history that I accomplish whatever the fuck I say I’m going to, unless the Creator presents better, all while battling her mission to counteract my efforts with doubt and outlandish predictions of my failure, based on her belief of what Jesus wants for me. That’s a whole novel on its own, lol.

I kept praying and invoking Ancestral assistance, and two weeks ago, I received an email from an employer about 10 minutes away from me, offering an interview. Let me just highlight that I didn’t apply; they reached out to me. Not only that, compared to the 2.9 rating and 30-60:1 nurse-patient ratio of my former employer, this new place of opportunity has a 5-star overall rating and a 18-24:1 nurse-patient ratio. I went to the interview and got the job on the spot, and all the paperwork for my start date is currently being finalized. I didn’t bother telling my mother this news, because Sis’s innergy was heavy hindering instead of assisting, but when I saw her this passed Sunday, she took it upon herself to congratulate me for landing a job she tried to convince me DOESN’T EXIST.

Her fear has never been that I am incapable or inadequate of all that I reach for, it is, in fact, that I am powerful beyond measure (outside of church culture), and choose to exercise my innate creative prowess in these streets. Fuck fear.