Posted on by Miss Goddess

Reflections & Intentions

It is 09:28 AM and I am sitting on my bed naked, drinking honey-sweetened Green tea, and listening to “Bigger” by Jekalyn Carr after an intermittently sleepless night. I find myself in a limbo of sorts, a period riddled by scholastic burnout, indecisiveness, uncertainty, ego rearrangement, and soul deep orgasms. I’m surrounded with plant babies that are somewhat thriving, although begging to be transpotted because they’ve outgrown their initial homes. In the midst of being showered by my Ancestors with blessings, some I didn’t even have to ask for, I am also faced with trauma-based emotional frequent flyers, the relentless memories of multiple mediums of abuse that swing by to remind me of the inescapability of humanity. Not that this existence is a prison, but there were seasons spent within this meat sack that weren’t much less than war zones. On one hand, I am proud of myself, while on the other, I am indifferent. I keep asking myself, “where exactly THEE FUCK am I going?” Sure, I’ve got a plan- one that’s working so far at that- which is why these moments of questioning my journey always confuse me. It’s easy to remind myself that none of us know what the fuck we’re doing, but if honesty is to be the foundation of this platform, you can agree that that fact isn’t always comforting.

Being a late 20-something comes with the pressure of having all your shit together. Social media would have us trapped into the belief that if we don’t fulfill an itemized checklist of accomplishments by a certain age, we are incompetent. What this itemized checklist does not take into account, however, is the mental, emotional, spiritual, and familial trauma that manifest into physically debilitating obstacles- most of which we don’t even see coming. While I have been and continue to be a brilliant nurse, self-healing agent, and advocate for holistic wellness, if you’ve read anything I’ve written before today or follow me on social media, you are well aware that getting here has been a glorified shit show.

As the year comes to a close, I’m realizing that the self-induced stress that laces the previous paragraphs is a direct result of being nurtured in a capitalistic environnent. The pressure to lead a life that feeds a system that sees my body as a mere commodity for consumerism has gotten out of control, and I’m not here for it anymore. I’ve concluded that this stress shit ain’t for me. Now, I know that not all stress is bad, as there are circumstances in which heightened emotions serve as catalysts for manifesting greatness, but the shit we’ve been fed is a hard hell nah. I refuse to continue to subscribe to an existence that breeds patterns of lack, debasement, and harsh conditions. So before the year even ends, I’m making a proverbial 180° turn and reconnecting with my authentic Self. The Self that loves quiet mornings, the smell of dewy grass and post-rain foliage; the Self that squeals at the sight of flowers and relishes bird songs and the midnight choir; the self that melts in sweet whispers and hearty laughter. I’m returning to the Self that adores soft touches, hugs and kisses, success through Godfidence, and the fragrance of lovemaking. I’m returning to art, passion, deep, honest conversations, and intentional living. I’m returning to intimacy.

Tis the season of growth and expansion, fuck ups and beautiful lessons, great dick and uncomfortable, yet elevating exchanges, rebirths and erotic climaxes, cussing and releasing, hot chocolate and cute outfits, degrees and certifications, building and destruction, failures and reroutes, vulnerability and honesty, ass grabbing and gentle rubs, and many more experiences that ground me in humanity, while raising me in divinity. The cosmic balance in my life is being illuminated, and I’m grateful to be alive to feel it all. Sensuality encompasses all senses. As a Venusian, I’m well are of this, but childhood trauma and unresolved pain have a way of disconnecting us from our Star Player. Relearning to live in love, without biased projections is an arduous process, but I’m here to make it happen for myself by any means necessary.

© 2021 The Evolving Goddess

Posted on by Miss Goddess

Counting the Cost

How much does a heart cost? I think our capitalistic view of the body results in our ability to trivialize the fragility of our most crucial organ. What do I mean? In this society, our bodies are commodities. It’s no secret that Amerikkka isn’t a country. It’s a corporation and our bodies are the product being traded on the stock market. Consequently, our worth is determined by how efficiently our avatar is able to function to sustain the system. I am of the conviction that such an existence cascades into how we view ourselves, our loved ones, our peers….strangers. Look how we disregard each other. Take some time to consider how we neglect to practice mindfulness in our interactions. Of course, I’m speaking on a large scale here, as there are Spirits among us who move with intentional integrity.

How much does a heart cost? How much attention do you pay for the impact of your intentions? How much attention do you pay for the impact of your words? What is the price point of your actions when in communion with fellow members of Humanity? If it is factual that the health of the heart contributes to our physical, mental, emotional, and Spiritual well-being, what gift of exchange do you present at the barter of energy and frequency?

Gentleness has been a running theme for myself and other black women, who have grown weary of the expectation of burden-bearing placed on us because of our “strength”. We’ve become aware of our collective fatigue, and the frustration that accompanies it. As a result, we unabashedly express the truth that we desire and deserve to exist sans the burden of carrying everyone and their holistic load along with us. We now know and accept that ease, bliss, peace, and softness are attributes we can cultivate within ourselves, while requiring others to enter our energetic fields with nothing less than their reflections. This is especially true for our romantic relationships. Many of us have gone through the early part of our adulthood residing in our masculinity. We were the initiators, the leaders, the providers, the driving forces of our unions. Often, we endured abuse of various forms, consequently reacting with violence of our own, due to the incapability of our partners to create a safe space for our innate femininity to flourish.

Let me pause here and say that I am a huge believer and supporter of the idea that romantic and communal relationships thrive best when driven by Womb wisdom; this does not equate to leadership. I believe that a man operates best when he is given space to direct the trajectory of the relationship, while the woman supports and influences decisions made on behalf of the union. The masculine provides, protects, and directs, while the feminine reciprocates with intuitive wisdom, nurture, and Spiritual protection.

Many of us have forcibly operated from our masculine energy because we watched our mothers do so. In union, we’ve provided for, protected, and led relationships, only to end up exhausted and frustrated, with heart strings suffering and barely anchored. We know this, because the chest pain that ensues in moments of intensity is excruciating and undeniable. The carelessness in which we have been handled, and the lack of consideration for our emotional vitality quickly lands us in danger territory. Yet, we are told to endure. This is where the revolutionary movement of gentleness and softness comes in. It is a call for us to intentionally return to our femininity, first giving it to ourselves, so that we may flow at a frequency that requires it in consistency. We’re learning to romanticize our lives so that anyone who desires to share space with us will do the same. We are training our bodies to find harsh environments repulsive. Why? Because we’ve landed into the truth that our hearts are more than a commodity for capitalistic living- that suffering isn’t required for a fulfilled life, nor for successful relationships.

Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy, informally known as broken heart syndrome or stress-induced cardiomyopathy, is a phenomenon that isn’t spoke of enough. So let’s explore it a bit. According to the American Heart Association, broken heart syndrome can be induced by any stressful event and the signs and symptoms mimic that of heart attack, which is why it can sometimes be misdiagnosed as such. During an episode of broken heart syndrome, the left ventricle (pumps blood out of the heart, to the aorta, then to the rest of the body) enlarges and pumps less efficiently, causing the rest of the heart chambers to pump more forcefully. Consequently, cardiogenic shock can happen. This is when an acutely weakened heart is unable to provide the body with the blood it needs, which can turn fatal if not treated immediately. In addition to cardiogenic shock, chordae tendinae rupture may also occur, although rare. It is when the “heart strings” that anchor the heart valves to the papillary muscle of the heart literally snap. They aren’t elastic. They are made of fibrous connective tissue, and extreme stress on the heart can cause them to break.

I am highly confident in saying this: there are black women who have died from this; we are just unaware due to lack of medical evidence. “Mama had a bad heart” because she was stressed, snatched out of her femininity, and abused.

How much does a heart cost? A 2019 business insider article states that the average cost (of course including the transplantation surgery) is $1,382,400. On the black market? Ranker.com places it at $119,000. At face value, a heart is quite affordable for those who got it. But let’s consider the non-tangible aspects of life. How much exactly does a heart cost? How much attention do you pay for the impact of your intentions? How much attention do you pay for the impact of your words? What is the price point of your actions when in communion with fellow members of Humanity? If it is factual that the health of the heart contributes to our physical, mental, emotional, and Spiritual well-being, what gift of exchange do you present at the barter of energy and frequency? How much does a heart cost…………..to you? How much value do you place on the holistic functionality of any being you choose to exchange time and space with?

I’ve recently had to ask myself this question after being pulled out of my femininity. I saw myself give in to harsh conditions, which led me to speak words of violence that I normally wouldn’t as one who innerstands the aforementioned totality of the heart. In science and spirit, I innerstand its fragility, yet, because gentleness and softness were no longer a part of my internal reality, I disregarded the cost. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. Not one bit. Would I do it again if given the opportunity? Absolutely not. Because in doing so, I shifted the frequency of my energetic compass. Since then, however, I’ve taken care to romanticize my life. Beauty surrounds me because I am beautiful, in every single aspect. I’ve returned to my baseline of softness and gentleness because I am, now more than ever, aware of the cost of my heart. Sure, it was broken, but I’ve made it my responsibility to fix it.

Be very mindful with how you deal with people. Count the cost of every heart to heart interaction and move accordingly. You can break your own heart in the process of disregarding another’s. Be blessed!

© 2021 The Evolving Goddess

Houston, J. (2019). Why organ transplants are so expensive in the US. Retrieved 5 December 2021, from https://www.businessinsider.com/why-organ-transplants-so-expensive-united-states-2019-9#:~:text=The%20average%20billed%20cost%20of,organs%20aren’t%20much%20cheaper.

Is Broken Heart Syndrome Real?. Retrieved 5 December 2021, from https://www.heart.org/en/health-topics/cardiomyopathy/what-is-cardiomyopathy-in-adults/is-broken-heart-syndrome-real

Taylor, A. (2021). Here’s What All Your Organs And Parts Are Worth On The Black Market. Retrieved 5 December 2021, from https://www.ranker.com/list/organ-cost/april-a-taylor

Posted on by Miss Goddess

Know, Then Listen

“Learn to know yourself…to search realistically and regularly the processes of your own mind and feelings.” – Nelson Mandela

We can’t always accurately decipher whether those we give advice are holistically receptive or not, but in good intentions, “listen to yourself” may have left our lips several times. Usually this occurs in circumstances where we are unable to provide concise, specific, and/or detailed guidance. Let me assure that Eye am not, at all, condemning this line of council; Eye am solely highlighting that this isn’t the best course of action for those who have yet to learn their inner voice- Self- due to one or several blockages.

One of the primary blockages to learning Self is trauma. It has the power to not only silence our inner compass, but also foster within us the fear of taking the risk of stepping outside of its confines toward healing. When we are subjected to traumatic situations, our Limbic System (the emotional-visceral brain) takes a hit. The intimate relationship between our emotional and cognitive brains are a result of Limbic-Prefrontal lobe communications. In homeostasis, we are able to emotionally respond to things we cognitively innerstand, but when this harmony is disrupted by harsh circumstances, emotions override logic and leave us frantic and possibly plagued with psychosomatic illnesses. In such turmoil, endocrine organs release hormones that activate our protective autonomic responses and depending on the severity of said trauma to our Spirit, the degree of concentration of these hormones in our bloodstream can become our norm. It it then that our true Self has been submerged under our defence mechanisms and we operate on constant guard, aware of it or not.

Fear is a direct consequence of trauma and also blocks access to our inner compass. Our nervous system is consistently wired to the Gawdz and we lose our physiological definition of rest- even with a full night’s worth of sleep. All of our decisions are based on internal war tactics that rob us of enjoying experiences we normally would. We live in a mental and emotional bubble of “what-ifs” because we are still lost in the bottomless hormonal concoction our body has stirred for our safety. As time passes, we get older in body, but remain in child-like mental, emotional, and Spiritual dependency. Dependency on what? Literally anything that distracts us from the work required for healing. This work calls for conjure- a ruthless resurrection of all that brought us to a muted existence and replaced it by amplified internal torture and noise.

Needless to say, prior to listening to ourselves, we must ensure that we know ourselves; and to know ourselves, we must dig into the Soul ritualistically, intentionally, and without prejudice. We must acknowledge the chaos, accept it as part of our journey, and learn to quiet it through various forms of meditation. Unless we know ourselves, listening to our inner compass in the midst of Spiritual turmoil can direct us to making decisions that turn out detrimental to our path. Eye am not denying that even in our turmoil, we are “exactly where we are supposed to be,” but are we where it is BEST for us to be? Our alignment with our ordained purpose is a vital determining factor in whether listening to ourselves is ideal.

Know yourself, so you can be better equipped to listen to yourself.

*********************

SN: If you are healing through and/or from trauma or working through fear, know that it is highly possible to grow from it all. You are capable and worthy of knowing yourself in the most intimate way, and this inner knowing will lead you to an existence of unwavering trust in yourself. That trust manifests Magick- the essence of your being. Stay patient with yourself. Stay loyal to your journey. Stay honest- tell the fuckin truth. Always. Hit me up if you need someone to talk to (all things will remain confidential). You are not alone.

Ase O!